iConfuse Freddie
by mute maiden
Summary: Carly's finally falling for Freddie; Could he be any happier? But Sam starts acting wierd. When Freddie discovers that Sam's jealous, will he go for the girl of his dreams; Or the girl who changed her whole life just to be with him? Seddie/Creddie? R&R!
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

I paced in front of Carly's door. I'd knocked, but no one was answering. I stopped and banged on the door again, harder this time. Still no answer. I attempted to peer through the peephole into her apartment, with no success. Sighing angrily, I stood there for a moment. I could pick the lock. It wasn't very hard. But I'd have to find something to pick it with, and I was tired. And hungry. I could use something to eat right now. There were other options, though, right? I could go home –lost the key for that, too, but it was worth a try-- or I could ask Freddie if he knew where she was. He probably would. Pathetic, hopeless kid.

After a moment's hesitation, I rapped my fist on Freddie's door. It swung open almost immediately, and there Freddie stood, looking sullen. "Yo," I stood there, feeling uncomfortable. If this was Carly, I would shoulder my way in, but this wasn't my best friend. This was the dork that did all our tech stuff for iCarly. This was the dork I had kissed a few months ago. "Uh...." I was forced to continue talking when Freddie didn't speak up. "Out of ham?" I made a poor attempt at a joke. "What's wrong?"

"My Aunt Jodie just died." Freddie muttered in dry monotone.

I shrugged. "So... That's a big, uh, deal for you, right?" Freddie didn't respond, just looked at me with a knowing look, avoiding the trap of my sarcasm. "Listen, I just wanna know where Carly is, okay?" I watched his face. Everyone knew he liked Carly; But for some reason, at the mention of her name, Freddie didn't perk up. Was his aunt really that important?

"Dunno." He wasn't making much attempt at conversation.

"So, that thing with your aunt is pretty bad, right?" I changed the subject quickly. I'd gotten what I wanted, but I didn't want to leave the poor guy hanging.

He rolled his eyes as if to say _'She's dead, so, yeah, things aren't going so well for her' _but answered, all the same, "Yeah. She was my favorite."

"Why?" I prodded. I didn't really care, but what else was there to do besides wait for Carly. I hated to admit it, but little tiny pits of care were forming in my stomach for Freddie. And right now, they were overflowing with sympathy.

"She was my mom's sister, you know, and she... well, she was really fun. She told my mom to relax. The kind of mom I always wanted." I could imagine an audience cooing with compassion in the background.

"Oh." I wasn't very creative. I didn't know what else to say. "Sorry."

Freddie nodded. "Thanks," he shut the door. I stood there, still looking at the grain of the wood that had been shoved into my face, until laughter rang out from down the hall. I turned just as Carly and Spencer came into view.

"Hey, Sam," Carly said as Spencer unlocked the door. "Lost your key again?" I nodded. "Too lazy to pick the lock?" She asked as we went inside.

"Ooh, yeah." I replied as I sunk into the couch. "Hey, can you grab me some soda while you're in there?" I called to Carly, who was in the kitchen. She came out a few seconds later with two drinks, and we flipped on the TV. I didn't pay attention to it, though. Instead I asked Carly, "So, hey, did you know Freddie's aunt died?"

"No," Carly looked up, concerned. "He didn't tell me!"

I shook my head. "Me either. I just went to ask him where you were and he told me then –where were you, by the way?"

"Spencer and I went to go get smoothies." Carly pointed to Spencer, slurping a smoothie in the kitchen. I nodded.

They should've waited for me. Then I could have avoided the weird talk with Freddie about feelings _and_ gotten a smoothie. Yawning, I let my eyes flutter closed. "Nap," I announced, thrusting my legs out across Carly's lap. She chuckled and patted my ankle. The dramatic sound of cartoons in the background set me on the track to drowsiness, and soon I was asleep.

When I woke up it was night. Carly and Spencer sat at the kitchen counter, eating turkey sandwiches. My stomach instantly alerted me of its need. Urgent to put a stop to the rumbling, I jumped off the couch, despite my craving to curl up and get some more shut-eye, maybe watch a little TV. "Dinner." I sang to no one in particular as I prepared two turkey sandwiches for myself, hopping up next to Carly. My blonde hair fell across my face and I shook it out of the way, biting into my sandwich without restraint.

After I finished eating, I slid down and sighed. "Well, I guess I should go home now." I made my way to the door, waving goodbye to Carly. Out the door, I headed for my apartment, knocking loudly. My mother opened it, looking like she just woke up. "Hey," I greeted her, walking in and going straight to my room. The apartment was a mess. It reeked of scents –ones I didn't want to decipher –and looked like crap. My room was littered with plates and clothes. Jumping into bed, I went straight back to sleep.

Again my eyes drifted open, and sunlight streamed through the tiny window on the far side of my room. I hauled myself out of bed, pulling on fresh clothes and grabbing my backpack –there it was, my key, under my yellow leggings. I grabbed the lanyard and was off, without even a goodbye to my mom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes:** Another update coming soon. This story is one of my priorities right now; I'm really getting into it! 8D

CHAPTER 2

At school, most of the teachers hated me. All right, well, _all _of them hated me. I was a constant disruption to their class, they said. I prevented others from learning. But really, I knew why they hated me. Because they were scared. They were the teachers, and they were supposed to have the power. But suddenly this little girl had come along and embarrassed them in front of their whole class. They just didn't know what to do. So they did what teachers do best –they punished me. Repeatedly. On some days I could slide through my classes without any major hazards. But other days, it was as if they were out to get me.

Today was one of those days. Leaving third period, I rushed to fourth. Carly wasn't in this one with me –but Freddie was. I reminded myself I had time to get to class, that I didn't need to hurry. I managed to slow to a trot. But as I entered the classroom, I had a funny feeling that the time had nothing to do with why I was racing. Sliding into my chair, I looked up just in time to see Mr. Harms glare at me. I scowled instinctively, and he sneered. _Watch yourself,_ the expression read.

Of course, I was innocent. If I wasn't, he would have issued me a detention slip already. But until he confirmed foul behavior, he was not authorized to punish, punish, punish –as was his nature. Glancing to the left, I saw Freddie slumped in his chair. _Great,_ I thought sourly, _More of his sulking. Can't he just get over his aunt already and start acting normal? _Looking back over at him, I regretted my harsh judgment. He wasn't sulking. His aunt's death had obviously really gotten to him. "Hey," I whispered. He barely acknowledged me, but I was lucky to catch the flick of his hand in recognition of my attempts.

I thought about what I could say next. I had a feeling he didn't want to talk about his aunt –or maybe he did. But I knew if I struck up a talk about that, I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say without recycling what I'd said yesterday. Angrily I burst out in a fierce whisper, "Geez, would you cut this crap out?!?" Mr. Harms looked up from his desk, giving me a glare similar to the one he'd shot me previously. Yet, somehow, this one was more vindictive, a victory glare rather than a warning.

"Miss Puckett," He began, and I could sense the lofty, taunting grin in his voice, "Would you care to share what you're whispering about to mister Benson?" He removed his reading glasses, tucking them in his shirt pocket.

I looked at Freddie, who had stiffened noticeably. He looked straight ahead, but there was a glint of worry in his eyes. "Er, no," I stuttered, "No, I wouldn't." Freddie relaxed a bit.

"Very well then," replied Mr. Harms, "Proceed to the principal's office straight away." Groaning, I stood, tossing my backpack over my shoulder. I stormed out of the classroom, barely catching the sympathetic look Freddie threw me before I slammed the door. After I'd kicked the wall enough times to let my anger fade, I made my way to the principal's office, plopping down in the chair across from Principal Franklin's. I propped my feet on his desk, and when he turned around, he didn't look surprised to see me.

"Hello, Sam." He smiled politely.

"Hey, Franklin." I replied. I didn't have permission to call him that, but he had long since abandoned his futile attempts to stop me.

"What is it today?" He sighed.

I shrugged.

"Come on, now. Don't make this difficult. We both know you must've done something." He gave me a doubtful look and I cracked.

"I was talking in class," I mumbled.

"There we are. See, that wasn't so bad." Principal Franklin smiled. I rolled my eyes in disgust. "How many warnings did Mr. Harms give you?" Boy, did this man know me. When had he memorized my schedule?

"None." Another one of those looks. "None!" I insisted. "I walked into class and he looked at me funny, then I whispered one thing to Freddie and he blew up on me." I threw my hands up in the air for emphasis.

"Alright." Principal Franklin sighed. "I'll be the one to give you a warning, then: If you get sent here one more time this week, you'll have detention. For a very long time. I'm sick and tired of you being in here all the time." He waved his hand dismissively.

I left without a second thought.

The rest of the day was routine, and luckily I didn't have any more incidents. After school I stopped by my place and dropped off my things, grabbing a chicken wing from a box of leftovers on the counter. As I made my way to Carly's, I ate the meat; When I was done, I held the bone between my teeth. When I got there, I used my key to enter.

What I saw made the bone clatter to the ground.

Carly and Freddie. Kissing. It wasn't a long kiss, more of a peck, but I had witnessed it. I stood, frozen, While Carly notified Freddie of my presence, as his back was to me.

"What are you doing, just kissing every girl who's got lips?" I asked him shrilly, forgetting our secret. He froze just as I did a minute ago.

"Wait, what?" Carly was confused, and she had the right to be; Only I didn't acknowledge that through my sheer rage and shock. "What's that supposed to mean, Sam?" She asked warily.

"Er, nothing." Freddie hurried to answer before I could. "Nothing." He was embarrassed about it, I could tell. But at the moment, I didn't care. He was kissing Carly. _Kissing Carly_. And she didn't fight back. The girl who would never love him didn't fight back.

"No, Freddie. I think she's got a right to know, don't you?" I sneered, failing to recognize the fear on his face as I rambled in my blind cruelty. "Three months ago. When I went to say sorry to him about announcing that he'd never been kissed? We kissed. Just to get it over with, you know? And now... well, now, I guess he's taking as many opportunities as he can get." I glared at Freddie.

"What?" Carly shrieked, jumping off the couch. "You kissed Sam? _Sam_?" She asked disbelievingly, and I was hurt.

"What, is there something wrong with that?" I hollered, glaring now at her. "Should I not be kissed?" I felt a pang of betrayal deep inside.

Carly looked guilty. "I think you guys should go." She murmured, and I felt another tremor of rage torrent through me.

"I agree." I answered hoarsely. Freddie simply stands, brushing past me as he walks out the door. Again I was hurt, but the feeling came with guilt; Why had I revealed our secret? That was _our secret_. We'd both promised never to tell anyone.

I'd betrayed his trust. Would he ever forgive me? I turned numbly and strode out the open door, not bothering to close it behind me. Instead of going home, I head to the fire escape, where Freddie went after I embarrassed him three months ago.

Where we kissed.

When I got there, I sat cross-legged on the cold cement, staring out into the night. I'd only passed by here since that night, afraid of regrets or wishes I might have if I stopped here. But now... Now I need to remember. I didn't realize it at first, but the smallest of tears rolled down my cheek. Was I crying? I wondered why as the tears began to come more frequently, though the flow was still slow. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried. I had always been so tough, never had a reason to cry.

_I'm crying_? Who the hell did Freddie Benson think he was, to make me cry? Sam Puckett does not cry. I wiped the remnants of moisture away, forcing the waterworks to halt.

For the rest of the night I sat and wondered why. I wondered why I kissed Freddie in the first place, why I'd spilt our secret, and why Carly had kissed Freddie. Or why Freddie had kissed Carly.

But above all, I wondered why that had made me cry. Did I really care? That kid was getting what he wanted: Carly's love. So why did it bother me?

I fell asleep on the fire escape. It was a school night, but I decided to skip school. No one would miss me.

The next day I ran home during the school day to grab some food and a chair. My mom was at work, probably her last day. This one had lasted a week now, and that was more than long enough. I brought the things back to the fire escape, relaxing there. I watched the people below, throwing food at them for entertainment. After awhile I went back and grabbed a deck of cards and my PearPod, listening to music while I played solitaire with myself.

Briefly I wondered if this was what depression was like.

About an hour after school ended, Freddie showed up at the fire escape. Just what I needed. I scowled at him and continued listening to my PearPod. Sighing angrily, he pulled the plugs out of my ears. I looked up at him distastefully, but he had my attention now.

"How did you find me?" I grumbled.

"I talked to my mom," He began leaning against the railing. He looked remarkably like a model in that stance, and I slapped myself mentally for even imagining that. "She said she was hit on the head with a Cheez Puff on the way back from the grocery store today. I only knew one person who would do that." He smiled softly.

The silence was stifling.

"Why'd you come here?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Dunno." I muttered, but we both knew the answer.

"I didn't know... you'd be so mad. About me and Carly. I thought you'd just blow it off and make some rude comment later on." He admitted. I almost expected him to follow that up with, _I never thought of you as an actual person with actual feelings._ But he didn't. Another stretch of silence spread, each second putting more distance between us.

On the spur of the moment, I blurted, "I cried."

Freddie looked at me as if I were speaking German. I'd figured he would understand. I'd spilled his secret, so I had to sprout a new one between us.

Otherwise, I was just a bully to him. We would have no connection.

"After I came out here. I cried," I explained. He blinked.

"Oh. Sorry." He seemed to have gotten over his aunt. I guess he'd been forced to, with everything else going on. "I can't imagine you crying." He nearly whispered. "You're strong." I tried to decide if that was a compliment or an insult.

"Sometimes I really don't know that I am." I replied just as quietly, and I wasn't sure if he heard me, because he didn't say anything.

But I sure as hell wasn't about to repeat that.

In the moments of silence that followed, I wondered if we were going to kiss. I wasn't really sure. Things like that seemed to happen at the worst times.

But instead, he walked out, without even a goodbye.

What made me expect one?


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Surprisingly, I was able to become a real person again after my little talk with Freddie. Though I had no friends and nothing to do after school besides sit on the fire escape, I managed to survive. Of course, when I returned every teacher and administrator in the faculty had a bone to pick with me. They said they would have to talk about my punishment with my mother, who, amazingly enough, was not available for a week because she was entirely booked with job interviews.

When I asked her why she had so many lined up, she snapped, "Don't you want a better life? I'm trying to be responsible and hold down a job and all you can do is question, question, question."

I backed off after that. Several times I thought of talking to Freddie or Carly, but Carly ignored me constantly and Freddie made sure our conversations were short. For instance, one morning I tried talking to him by the lockers.

"Hey, Freds." Honestly, I was trying to lighten the mood, not pick on him. "Listen, I—"

"Uh, hey, Sam. Just getting my books." He stuttered, suddenly concentrating very hard on his locker combination. His hands shook slightly.

"Yeah, well, I just wanted to talk about—" He was grabbing his books, and being very quick about it. In fact, before I could finish my sentence, he was carrying all his books for the rest of the day. "What are you _doing_?" I asked incredulously.

"Just, you know, saving myself all the trips to my locker for the rest of the day."

It dawned on me why, and I stopped trying to talk to him.

Soon enough the day for the parent/teacher meeting rolled around and I was sentenced to three days suspension for skipping school without my guardian's consent. I was outraged; convinced that was a bit of an overreaction for missing two days of school. I thought maybe they would see the truth in my words, but they had someone escort—drag—me out the door, and I sort of gave up hope.

I spent the next two days locked in my room, too depressed to even make a dash for the fire escape. I lived on what I found there: Cheetos, half-empty soda cans, cold pizza and the like. Then, on my third day of social banishment, Freddie came to visit.

I couldn't help it. I had seen him and Carly kiss, hold hands in school, and pass notes. But when he came, I just had to let him in. I was in my pajamas still, which were splattered with food remnants, but I was wrapped in my comforter, so he couldn't have known. Still, I felt uncomfortable. My hair was wild-looking, because when my mom announced that Freddie was here, I scrambled out of bed without a second thought.

"Um, hey, Sam." He scratched the back of his head. I wanted to blush, but I couldn't. Sam didn't blush.

"Hey, Fredward. What're you doing at my house?" My instinct was to insult, but I had to feel bad for him. After all, he put up with me all the time. And now that he came here to check on me, all I could do was be mean? It didn't seem right.

"Um, well…" He peeked inside. "Can you come into the hall for a minute?" I hesitated, then nodded and stepped out, still wrapped in my navy blue comforter. He looked me up and down uneasily. "I, uh, wanted to see... how you were doing."

I nodded and let him continue. So he did. "I feel really bad... about what you saw. I sware I didn't know... you cared." He looked up nervously, and I actually did blush this time. God, who was I becoming? "I wanted to apologize." Silence ensued. "So.. I'm sorry." He cleared his throat and looked away.

And then, I don't know how or why, but our eyes met and our lips came together and his mouth was soft, and so welcoming.

But in a split second it was over, and we tore away. He murmured, "Carly doesn't know I was here." And then he walked away and I returned to my warm bed, somehow feeling much better about my suspension.

**Author Notes:**

_Yes, this one is short, but another chapter is to follow immediately. I just loved the suspense at the end here and I couldn't ruin it with follow-up on the same page._


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

The days went on after that kiss, but the moment was frozen in my head. Neither of us mentioned it. In fact, we hardly even talked to each other. Freddie and Carly seemed to be getting along fairly well- more than fairly, truth be told. They were at the peak of their relationship, kissing, giggling, texting, passing notes. Each struck a blow to me, but I preferred to do my crying in private, at home on my bed.

In the rare moments when Carly was apart from him- and I do mean rare, for she clung to him like an octopus, grabbing at him with those sticky tentacles- I sneered at her, gave her looks suggesting that I knew something she didn't. Which I did, of course, but I would never tell her. Ever. I was no longer Sam, the tough and unbreakable. Now I was Sam, the confused and weary and hopelessly in love.

Even if he neither knew nor cared. Did he? I would often give up hope, but then that warm moment came back to me, and it wasn't all on my part.

Guys are such jerks.

So I lived through the next month, and the month after that. He called me twice. The first time I let it ring. The second time I picked it up and just listened to him saying hello over and over again, then the line went dead. After that I mapped out what I was going to say, and waited for him to call again. I spent two months waiting for him to try and make some form of contact.

He never did. I watched iCarly until it went offline. Carly called me more than Freddie did, begging me to come back, angry, then sad, then worried, and angry again. I refused. After awhile I stopped picking up. Surprisingly, she gave up. I guess she figured all good things had to come to an end.

I missed Carly, despite how much I hated her. All my emotion contradicted each other nowadays. She was the only one who took me for me, laughed at me when I was a pig, understood when I was angry, and let me stay at her house even if I got in by illegal means. Even though Freddie had changed me, I was still Sam, and I still wanted to crash on my best friend's couch and wake up to a turkey sub and a smoothie, accompanied by a few episodes of Girly Cow.

I missed her. Even as I knew things could never be the same again, I wished we could find a way to be friends.

But we became more bitter towards each other at school. At first it was just me sneering and her looking down at the ground shyly, guiltily, or even in a hurt manner. As the weeks rolled on, though, she developed an offense and glared right back. I began to lose hope. Freddie was hers, I guessed, and nothing could ever change that. Even so, that knowledge didn't stop me from wishing he was mine.

I thought it was all over. Then, on a Tuesday after a three-day weekend, they suddenly stopped sitting together.

Stopped kissing, stopped passing notes, stopped holding hands, stopped whispering.

It was wrong, but I pounced. I passed a note to Freddie in Mr. Harms' class:_ What happened with you and C? No mushy-gushy? _I passed it between the seats hurriedly, and watched from the corner of my eye as he unfolded it secretely and removed a pen from his desk, my heart pounding. With a crackle of paper, he handed it back. I rushed to open it.

_Fight. About you. She thinks... Well, it's complicated. She wants to make up, I'm not sure._

I scribbled quickly: _Why are you not sure??_

He took a while in responding, and when I finally got it back, what I read made my heart stop.

_You._

One word, but I didn't respond. I tucked the paper into my back pocket and didn't speak to him the rest of the day. When I got home, I practiced what to say. I watched myself in front of the mirror, I paced, I wrote down a script, even spent some time deciding how to wear my hair. And then I went over to his apartment. I was ready, or so I thought. I had to sneak out as it was fairly late. I'd spent two hours practicing.

Not that any of it helped. As soon as he opened the door, it all went flying out of my head. I stood there, my mouth open, unsure of what to do, as he leaned on the door jamb. We stood, staring at each other, until finally he began walking down the hall, grabbing my hand in his. At first he was just leading me, then we jogged, then we were flying down the hall, laughing for no apparent reason.

And then we came to it. Our destination, obviously. It was the fire escape. My chair was still out there, where I had come many a night to just watch the city. I left the seat there, being too lazy to take it back and forth. He sat in it, and I leaned against teh rail. Here we were again, but our positions were reversed. We stared again, watching each other closely. I was still working up the courage to speak when he stood and took my hand. My resolve melted instantly, of course. I blushed, and tears threatened the moment.

"All this for me?" He asked softly, and leaned forward.

That's when we kissed. Again. It was bliss. Better than the first, better than the second. We were in sync, perfectly. I felt his tongue working its way into my mouth, and I let it. He held my arms loosely, and though it was short, it seemed to last an eternity, this kiss.

We sat out on the fire escape for a long time, just talking about general things. Laughing. He made me laugh, smile. All the time. But we didn't dare talk of Carly, for fear that the air would become tense and the mood ruined. At the end of the night he walked me home, and it occured to me that this was almost like a date. Only there was no kiss goodnight, no "I'll call you," or "Talk to you tomorrow."

Still, it was the best night of my life. I didn't sleep for fear when I woke it would be gone, all a dream.

This was all happening so fast. Fear overcame me, froze me, that it could end just as quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

**Author's note: Sorry it took so long! Hope you're still interested. :)**

We sat next to each other in lunch. Carly sat a table down, giving us resentful, dirty and sometimes even crushed looks. We both saw her, but we both pretended we hadn't. It was easy, with him, to just.... be, and I didn't want anything to ruin that. Not even Carly.

One day, before lunch, I invited her to come sit with us. "No," She answered, "I don't feel the need to feel any more slighted."

I didn't understand why she felt slighted, and -- after looking it up in the dictionary -- considered maybe she did really like Freddie. But why would she? I mean, all these years he was totally into her, and she completely shot him down. Maybe she thought she could lay claim to him because of that. But who's to say I never liked Freddie?

In truth, I always felt that twinge of jealousy when he looked at her like she was some priceless jewel. At first, it wasn't because he was Freddie, but because no one had ever looked at me that way.

And then, _then_ it became about the man. He was smart and strong -- he put up with all my bullying without a tear, though he did get a bit whiny sometimes -- and over the years he had become less of a spineless jellyfish and actually developed into someone.... handsome.

And since I'd kissed him, I had become someone likeable, someone with human emotions.

Would Carly like this new Sam?

We didn't kiss again -- I guessed he was trying to spare the kisses, rather than think he didn't want to kiss me -- but we hugged and laughed, and I even went over to his house to watch a movie (His mother was gone, of course, and we locked the babysitter out). It was a romantic mystery, and it was awful cold in his house. We huddled up to each other under a rather small blanket, his arm around my shoulder.

I stopped bullying him, of course, though I occasionally made the loving comment that he was such a dork -- _my_ dork. He put a notice up on iCarly saying that we were having some serious technical difficulties, and that we would be back as soon as possible.

And one day, I was feeling particularly good because Freddie and I had walked to school (We missed the bus). Carly dropped all of her things on the floor in the hallway, and I stopped to help her -- surprisingly enough, no one else did. When we came face-to-face, I almost thought she was going to leave me with her things and walk away. But instead, she snatched them and managed to drop half of them again. I leaned down, picked everything up off the floor, and said, "Listen, Carls, I know you don't want to talk to me but honestly I didn't steal your boyfriend I really like him and all those years, I mean, you didn't even like him and he was in looooove with you, now he's over it and it's no one's fault and anyguywouldbeluckytohaveyou and I'm sorry."

I sped up a bit at the end, as the look on her face became increasingly bitter. But when I finished, and gently placed her things on the top of the pile, well... that's when a tear ran down her cheek, and she dropped _everything_ and hugged me tightly.

By that time the halls were emptying out so there weren't too many witnesses to our 'moment'. Needless to say, we were late to homeroom. I guess detention will be a good place for us to bond.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

**Author's Note: Chapter 5 was a short one, so this is a direct follow-up. I just felt like that was a good place to end chapter 5, no matter how many words there were! :) I know this one is short too, haha. Sorry! :/**

I went over to Carly's house the next day, and Spencer seemed relieved to see me. "Thank God," He said as he answered the door, "I was starting to think Carly had no friends!"

I guess Carly didn't bother socializaing after Freddie and I became.... well, an item, I guess you could call it. or maybe Sepncer was just used to having someone over all the time (a.k.a. _me_). The first thing I said when I saw Carly was, "So, are we going to do iCarly again?"

She thought about it for a moment, gripping her cup of juice. "Okay," she said finally, and then we changed the subject.

All in all it was a good day -- she was surprised to see I was not eating constantly, and I replied that food no longer "filled the empty hole in me". There was an awkward silence as she realized I had Freddie for that, and I realized she _didn't_. I was still pretty much lazy, so not everything had changed.

Carly, on the other hand, was no longer the squeamish, dainty, eager-to-please girl I'd once known. She was still funny, though, and we had a good time. We thought about what to do on the next iCarly and avoided all mention of Freddie.

When I got home Freddie called me, and I told him that I'd been over to Carly's and that we were going to start iCarly again, expecting him to be open to the idea. He wasn't. "The truth is," he began, "I thought that was.... the past. I don't know if things could ever be the same again, and I'm not sure I want them to be."

I wondered if he was talking about me or Carly.

But the next week, we went over to Carly's house and premiered the new season of iCarly, Carly and I our old happy selves again, as soon as the camera was on. But Carly refused to talk to Freddie, and though one might think her arrogant, I could see in her eyes that she thought she might freak out or even _cry_ if she talked to him. So I let her be.

After the show was over Freddie and I went out on the fire escape, on of our usual places now, and sat. Since our third kiss, we'd added another chair and a cooler with no ice -- it held chips, water, cards and some other random stuff we'd brought out here. Sitting there, I decided to confront him.

"What did you mean?" I asked, breaking a silence that had fallen over us. he gave a me a quizzical look, and I elaborated, "On the phone. 'I don't know if things could ever be the same again, and I'm not sure I want them to be.' What did you mean?"

"I meant..." he began, "I meant that I don't want us to just be friends, I don't want you to hide who you are, I don't want to be so attached to Carly, I don't exactly _want_ her to be a close-close, best friend. And, without that.... I think we would fall apart. There's so many things that have pushed us away from her, but those are the same things that are pushing us closer to each other. And if we draw her in... we might be ripping ourselves apart."

There was a long silence as I realized he was right, until finally I spoke up with a cracked, faltering voice, "Well, I don't want that."

He nodded and pulled me close to him, kissing me softly, gently on the lips, then pulling me into a gentle hug. We sat there for a long time without talking, my head on his shoulder. Another reason I was falling for him. He knew exactly what to do, what to say to make a person see. To make them feel better, too. Even if he was the one who made them feel not so good in the first place. It wasn't manipulation, it was his aura. he was... a person that you could trust, a person that was easy to love.

And that's exactly what I was doing -- falling in love. I wondered if he was, too. I wondered if Carly had been, before Freddie came to me.

I wondered if this was what a love triangle felt like. Us, all loving the next person, whether it be in a best-friend way or a romantic way, and none of it working out.

I wondered if we would be stuck here forever, not being able to fix one relationship without breaking another. That wasn't what any of us wanted. None of us could make that choice.

But nothing, I knew for a fact, would ever be the same again.


End file.
